Lately I have been pondering the incredible synergism of everyday life.  The way discrete elements work together to result in something bigger and more complex than the original parts.  It is the synergy of individual inquiries that is resulting in this, my very first post for Good Vibrations Magazine.

Photo Courtesy: www.crashpadseries.com

Hi, I’m Dylan, I am a 29 year-old porn performer and graduate student and today I want to write  about being queer.  The small pieces that have compounded to create a topic big enough to talk about are all the separate times that I get asked about what it means to be queer, what it means for me that I am.  Tens of different ways the question was asked, many different people in many different contexts… So many individual curious brains, many of them belonging to the two disparate parts of my life; the porn business and the academic business.  Each inquiry was a process and each question stuck to me like glue, fusing each latter answer with the one before it.  After awhile I found myself feeling like a greater discussion was necessary, if not only so that I had something to say but so that I had something that felt like it made sense so the rest of the world could grasp it and together we could move forward.  I feel that questions are like medicines this way; the parts work together to change the whole and in the whole changing so are the pieces themselves changed and the outcome is something new altogether.

As a queer identified person, I often feel like the change is the most important piece, the piece that I cleave to with great effort.  In wanting the world to understand me, so too do I strive to communicate in a way that is understandable.  Such is the beauty and the pain that is felt by anyone who belongs to a “non-normative” community, we want to be who we are but we don’t want to be not normal forever so we conform in an attempt to educate, to promote, to belong, if not in a conventional in way, in a way so that we stretch convention so someday we won’t have to stretch it anymore.  So I am writing this post to change you.  Your mind, your ideas, your preconceived notions.  And in doing so, I will change too. Synergy.

So, queer!  I have identified as such for about 6 years now.  When I first “came out”, I didn’t know what fit, more accurately I only knew what didn’t.  I didn’t feel like a lesbian, I thought that gay was only for male-identifed people and I felt that the word dyke had a history of rebellion and strength that I couldn’t just appropriate because I got brave enough to tell my parents I was in love with a woman.  Queer, queer felt different.  As a young woman who had never, ever fit in, I had always felt left of center, off-kilter, weird.  It took the early part of my twenties to not only come to grips with that weirdness but to begin to embrace it as a positive and see the wonder in uniqueness.  So when I was provided with the option of “queer”, it just sounded right in my mouth and felt round inside my rib cage.  It didn’t bounce around or make me feel uneasy or like a three-year-old wearing her mom’s high heels.  It felt new but it felt good.  Surely I am certainly queer as queer means just not regular.

Now I recognize that for many others, queer has political implications, has just as much history as “dyke” and is controversial and linked with sex and gender.  I do not shirk those connotations in any way, I simply reify the part that is not about any of those things.  The part that for me, means that I am this regardless of who I am hanging out with, having sex with, being connected to.

And that is the part that really seems to throw people for a curve.  Thing is, I shoot porn.  Often.  And I make it with everyone, not just female-idenitifed people.  I won’t list all the different gender identifiers and various forms of genitals, suffice it so say that if there is a human in porn, I think we have the possibility of making great work together.  So people ask, as would make sense, given that I got my start in queer porn, “I thought you were queer but, ummm, you have sex with men.  Is that real?”  I smile, I always smile at the question, the inquiry never makes me weary because regardless of tone, I see the desire in the person to know more than they do and for that I am grateful.  I begin by reassuring them, that yes, it is real, as real as those things can be anyway (that’s another post altogether) and that yes, I am enjoying myself, I am present in the sex and that it was my choice to be there.  Because, you see, I am sexual, period.  My queerness has more to do with who I think I am than it has to do with whom I choose to get down.  I am queer in a big room all by myself.  I am queer with clothes on when, as a heterosexual-appearing woman I become invisible in my queerness.  I am queer when I have a boyfriend, when I have a girlfriend, I am queer when my partner and love of my life is trans and passing.  I am queer when I focus my professional energy on doing mainstream porn and I am no more queer when I am shooting in San Francisco for Good Releasing.  It’s a constant and it’s also an ebb and flow.  Most importantly it is, at this point an adjective for me the way, “kind”, “funny”, “smart” are.  Queer is a descriptor and in my world it is not describing just my sex, it is describing my Me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know semantically, terms such as these don’t occur in a vacuum and must be measured against something, in relation to something.  In this world, a person is less smart when they can no longer spell, can’t read, can’t add.  I am not pretending that this is not the reality of life.  I am simply arguing that a person can still feel smart if one day they wake up and have lost the ability to show it, prove it, perform it.  And a person can still be smart when they fail a test, a person can still be nice when they hurt someone’s feelings.  I can still be queer when as a woman, I have sex with a cis-gendered man.  And so can anyone else.

There came a point some years ago when I realized I would never be “straight” again.  It happened while I was talking to my Mom about what all the different terms meant and she was expressing various concerns.  As I reassured her that I would always consider and plan for my safety, it dawned on me that regardless of who I was dating, I would always see life this way, talk about life this way.  A doorway had been opened in front of me and after entering the hallway of a new way of understanding myself, the door behind me was shut.  Never to re-narrow.

So here we are.  During this writing I have taken all the stuck-together questions and fashioned for you an answer.  And in answering I have created a “me” never before articulated, your first official introduction to both me and a new way of understanding “queer”.  In cleaving to my desire for change, I chuck this ball of answer pieces your way for you to catch and in catching think of something new.  I can’t wait to hear your thoughts.  And your questions.

It’s no secret at this point, I like it rough. I also like it interesting. These are just two of the reasons why I have been working for Kink.com for the last five years; they know how to play perfectly rough and working for them is never boring. Over the last few years I have had the privilege of shooting for Sex and Submission, Wired Pussy, Men In Pain, Hogtied, Whipped Ass, The Training of O, Fucking Machines, Public Disgrace, Everything Butt, Anal Auditions, Device Bondage and a variety of test shoots and Behind Kink. You can find all of those delightful shoots right here.

This go-round I was shooting for Device Bondage for the second time, my first with new Domme, Orlando. It was, as always a fabulous time and I was treated like royalty. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes video from just before my shoot. For those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing The Armory, this is a sneak peek of what us lucky models get to enjoy when we are working there:

Just a few hours later, far less dressed and much more mussed up, I found myself getting readied for this amazing contraption:

and then, climbing into it and being introduced to The Omega, my machine “companion” for the scene:

And though it may look like I was in agony, I was, in fact, seriously enjoying myself (being upside down does terrible things to the face). I loved the creativity of Orlando as a rigger and loved watching the crew build each of the devices specifically for my body. Where rope has a bit of give to it, devices that use wood and metal have no give so the body is firmly fixed in place. I find the lack of even the tiniest movement to be really frustrating and consequently an awesome mental challenge for me. I get a kick out of finding the challenge of the position and then working through the intensity to where I find a new plateau of sensation. I felt very safe with Orlando and though he is a fearsome top, he clearly knew what he is doing which enabled me to let go and have an expansive experience. Want to see the whole thing? Head over for a preview and to purchase the full scene. There will be another of me in a few weeks as well, one where I play nice with the Sybian… really really nice. Big thanks to Orlando and the crew at Device Bondage.

xoxo.

One of the most common truisms I find among sex workers is that the majority of them have a “root”, that is, an experience or reason or belief that got them into sex work. By now my first foray into sex work is well documented . What is less known is that my actual root came from my time as a Needle Exchange Coordinator and Outreach Volunteer with The St. James Infirmary. St. James is an outstanding organization dedicated to meeting and providing for the needs of the sex work community in the Bay Area of California. Started in 1999 by members of the organization, COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics), St James provides services to over 1000 sex workers each year.

My time there began with my doing street-based outreach to sex workers who were living and/or working on the streets of San Francisco. It was through St. James that I first came to understand sex work as a viable work and life option for men, women and trans people. During my early years there, I was surrounded by strong, articulate, empowered people who had had various intersections with sex work and were unafraid to talk about it, to represent sex workers, to fight for sex workers. It was at St. James that I first began to think not only, “I can do this” but despite what I has heard many time before, “It is ok to do this”. The strong, beautiful, inspiring people I worked with changed my paradigms, they shifted my stereotypes and broke through my naive little life to show me the layered reality of what a sex worker’s life could be.

St. James is also the reason I decided to pursue my Masters in Social Work. While running the Needle Exchange Program, I experienced firsthand the overwhelming need for reform of the governmental systems that structured services for Intravenous Drug Users. Such regulations as the quantity of clean needles a person could carry, where they could have cleans, where they could deposit dirty needles and the utter lack of funding and support for Needle Exchange Services were disheartening to deal with and even more heartbreaking to enforce. I began to see that the people making the rules were people with letters behind their name that I did not have. I wanted to be able to change things for sex workers and as a sex worker, I wanted people to listen to me. Though getting a degree is not the only way, nor even the best way, it was a way I chose as a means to and end, as a means to an eventual outcome. Since leaving St. James, unfortunately things have not vastly improved for the agency. They struggle with funding, social and governmental support and staffing. They need all the help and support that they can get.

It was based on that knowledge that when, 5 months ago, the lovely Jiz Lee asked me to shoot for her project Karma Pervs and gave me the choice of who it would benefit, I practically shrieked “ST. JAMES INFIRMARY”!!!

Now wait, I’m getting ahead of myself, as you may be asking, “What is Karma Pervs”? So before we go further, if you don’t already know, go here. Now that you have done a little research, I will add that Karma Pervs is a genius project. Not only is is philanthropic, it is such a fabulous idea that I can kick myself for not thinking of it! I am extremely glad that the brilliant and huge hearted Jiz Lee did, however and I am so glad to have been able to be a part of it. St. James Infirmary was the organization honored in the month of May and though we are onto another great organization San Francisco Sex Information, it is never too late to purchase the super hot photo set from the shoot dedicated to aiding St. James, your money will now go toward this month’s Karma Pervs tribute. Here are a few of my favorite highlights:

As you can see from the photos, we had a lot of fun. Not only were Jiz Lee and I fooling around but we had the gorgeous Courtney Trouble to grab on while we played with condoms, dental dams and a bunch of different safer sex barriers. We wanted to focus the theme of the shoot on “shedding light” on the importance of safer sex education so we played with light and each took turns snapping pictures of one another with the help of the talented Nic. I always love making porn with friends, especially when we get to be so creative for a good cause.

In addition to donating through Karma Pervs, it’s also always great to donate straight to the organization. Visit St. James at www.stjamesinfirmary.org As this post is going up on June, 2nd, International Sex Worker’s Day, today is an especially perfect day to give toward the betterment of sex worker lives. What will forever exist as my “root” will hopefully also forever exist as an organization that is able to service the needs of Bay Area Sex Workers. You can make this happen! You can also help Karma Pervs support a new organization each month and help Jiz Lee show that porn can be benevolent in addition to being hot.

xoxo.

In honor of the lovely Mr. Sexsmith’s all anal week, I thought I would craft a little post about my own feelings on the subject. (Also, I’m procrastinating on finishing my thesis and let’s be honest here, I could write about anal next week just as easily).

So! Let’s start with the mini-interview I did for The Sugar Butch Chronicles, shall we? :http://bit.ly/97TF5d

Now that you’ve read that…because you HAVE, right?  I’ll contextualize some…

Anal.  I happen to think anal is fabulous, under most circumstances.  Sometimes, however, I’m not in the mood.  Sometimes my body isn’t interested in that particular choice on the menu.  And that is very much how I tend to think about sex and want to contextualize anal as part of sex; a menu.  If we think of sex as a long list of available preferences and desires it becomes easier to see that, just like hitting your favorite deli or diner or world-class fine dining establishment and not wanting everything on the menu, so too will you not want everything that sex has to offer.  My encouragement is only that like some of the more “scary” foods on fancy menus, like frog’s legs, escargot and foie gras you re-contextulize anal as possibly delicious.  Once I finally tried foie gras, I was in for a treat, again, not one I would want every night for dinner but one that I throughly enjoyed as part of the greater experience of a lovely meal.  Anal gets treated as a scary thing  (the student in me just balked at making that claim without citations but dammit! this is my blog and I think anal gets billed as scary, would you agree?) a common practice that I feel results in , lo and behold!, people actually BEING scared to try anal and to make it a regular part of their sex life.  Let me be clear, I am in no way down playing the risks associated with anal, nor am I saying that people should rush into it all cavalier-like.  What I AM saying is that if we approach anal as something that could be super fun and hugely pleasurable, I feel like there would be more enjoyment and more possibility that one would discover that anal is wonderful for them and that they want to add it to their menu.

Anal is a great part of my life.  My partner and I engage in it as something hot that feels amazing and we do it when we are both in the mood.  My butt knows what it wants when it wants it and anal is one of the things that, luckily, it has discovered it likes and wants regularly.  As a porn performer, I understand that I am a representative for the anus-gaping, banana, double-cock-taking school of women who show anal as easy-peese and the most amazing, next-best-thing.  I know that I contribute to that idea and possibly the ultimate distancing of women from their understanding of anal, in much the same way that women feel distanced from super models.  ”Real women can’t do things like that”, “Real women don’t work like that, these people are ANAL SUPERHEROS!”  And yes indeed, some are.  But other porn performers such as myself are women who actually do enjoy anal sex and I, personally care about showing women, through my own pleasure, that they can have some of their own.  It is more than possible, it’s probable and it starts with opening up the window of possibility that anal is not frog’s legs, that anal, in my case at least, is bacon or chocolate (insert one of your favorite foods here): not something you want every night but something that brings you great joy when you have it.  And then, maybe get started seeing how you can add it to your menu? Using lots of lube, of course. xoxo.

So this is sort of a post about the Feminist Porn Awards.  But then, it’s not entirely.  I spent each of the two days of the awards festivities composing a mini-blog in my head; which pieces of events I would want to remember, what tidbits I had to hold onto and catalog in order to share them with you.  When push came to shove, however, I didn’t want to reprise the days of debauchery and celebration of all things feminist porny.  Because, actually, I knew other people would do it better and in fact, they did.  So if you’re looking for a stellar wrap-up of events, check out Hot Movies For Her’s Coverage or what The Torontoist had to say about it. What I want to talk about it is more than the timeline of outstanding things that happened at the awards…fact is, there were too many to count.  What I want to talk about is the theme that came out of the week of sheer porn-positivity.  The theme of belonging.

It can be a rough, weird world, this world.  And it can be a challenge to find a place where one feels like they belong.  As I listened to the lovely voice of Courtney Trouble, holler above the din of award-goers, “We Belong Here!”, I sat in the personal quiet of the moment, realizing that I had a found a place where I, in truth, did.  It was a sentiment echoed in the acceptance speeches of other nominees, Jiz Lee with their tear-streaked face, expressing gratitude for being accepted as a gender-queer performer, April Flores, also teary, exclaiming how honored and shocked she was and how much it meant to her to have been recognized.  Both of these performers, known for looking normativity in the face and scoffing; April, gently and fiercely, Jiz, gracefully and fabulously, they both spoke of how it felt to be seen.

I have felt unseen in this business, felt like I didn’t quite fit and in order to succeed or matter or get work, I would have to conform a bit here and a bit there.  In big ways and small ways I have known the feeling of not slipping easily in and out of the sexual sovereignty of the porn world.  I have craved the feeling of being seen, being captured in a way that fit and as I heard each of my fellow esteemed colleagues speak to that same experience, I realized I was not alone.  Not only, not alone but in attendance at an awards show that has given thought to the maybe-don’t-fits-perfectlys that appear on film in a few of your xxx titles.  Sitting next to people who went into making porn because they didn’t see enough of naked bodies that looked like theirs or didn’t see enough of the sex that they were having or thought, I want to be sexual and proud and by golly, I want to do it where other people can watch and even learn! And here was an awards show that said in response, “hey that was a great idea, we like what you did and we are going to thank you for doing it!” Now if that’s not belonging…

Congratulations to the winners of this year’s Feminist Porn Awards.  Let’s keep making sex where everyone belongs. xoxo

For a list of this years winners check out coverage by Good For Her, XBIZ and Fleshbot